my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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