Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
