he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
