I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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