then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
