I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
