party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
