her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
