paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
