i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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