How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
