I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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