If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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