I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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