Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
All I want is dick and wine.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
