I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
