Where did you get a picture of my penis
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
