There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
