How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
