If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have feelings that need drinking.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
