You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
