He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
