are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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