my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
