I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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