i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
