I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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