Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
