maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
