Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
