i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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