I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
