Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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