2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
