My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
