Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
