Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
