God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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