I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
