Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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