There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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