The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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