sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
pray to the hookup gods
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
