her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I met the friendliest cop last night
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
