You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Drunk is a universal language darling
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