So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
