i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
