i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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