drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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