and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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