I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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